I recently created a small video called Mary Sue Protector. It is one of the best things I have made in terms of growth as an artist.

People sometimes assume I am doing things for the sake of nostalgia. I actually rarely get hit with this exciting wave of
nostalgic emotion, and consider it separate from my art practice. I think of nostalgia as something that can be envoked to
improve design and impact but do not depend on it. Anyone who views my art and says "this is very nostalgic for me" is experiencing their own emotions rather than my intent. I do understand that nostalgia is a part of the discussion in some capacity due to limited vocabulary around the subject.

However I did feel it very recently when I went through a very difficult period of regression. Regression scares me as an artist deeply. I have a tight rope to walk with my subject matter, because when dealing with a reference to my childhood it is painful to admit I may simply be going backwards. Regression, in this sense, is a coping mechanism of going back to the past to make things less painful in the present.

This is what caused me to unlock a set of memories and get access to my childhood drawings from when I was 11, and with it, the energy grew and grew. Unlocking the drawings and memories also unlocked feelings. Mostly I felt a sense of empathy for myself, and the myself I was at 10 years old. I still think I am struggling with it lately, and have not gotten out of it entirely. It has been harder for me to do things and make art because of this.

The biggest thing that stuck out to me is that over the years I became a huge perfectionist and was unable to make mistakes, and it has hurt my output immensely. Particularly, in my animation projects. I was asked by a favorite musician to help assist in visuals for a music video about a year ago, and I messed up the opportunity entirely. I made many assets and worked on the video, but when the time came to edit, I had so little done and completely underestimated what I could achieve. I have an animation commission I am struggling to finish that is overdue and I am lucky my client is patient and understanding.

I remembered that I made many animations every single day over the years, and the output grew less and less, yet I cared more and more and tried harder and harder. I felt the need to make something trying to cut this perfectionist mentality out. It was actually quite a failure, because I still had to keep many standards. I made Mary Sue Protector in roughly a week and a half.

I unlocked a memory and fantasy from when I was 10 years old. I had longed for a strong brave person to come take me away. I remember being jealous of the girl who had an Entei for a father, and I wish I had a strong creature who would take me anywhere and fight bravely. It was a wish to escape. The film is based mostly on this fantasy. I don't wake up and pray for someone to come and save me like I did when I was very young. I just accept that now I must protect myself and that I am a strong person.

The music choice is something I felt captured the feelings well, but I will have to think more about it when I am less tired.

I started two paintings today after not painting in about...two or three months? I got tired very quickly and had to rest most of the day.

I wonder why I can't work so reliably lately.